roots of insecurity || overcoming fears

"The enemy of your soul will never have to worry about what kind of damage you could do the kingdom of darkness if he can get you to buy the lie that you are incompetent, weak, and inadequate."

- Beth Moore - 

Something the Lord has really been dealing with me this last summer and in this new season is the area of insecurity. I sorta just inwardly cringe just thinking about the word. The dictionary describes it as: "lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt; instability." I've always known it's been there, and I'm sure it's manifested itself quite a few times [in fact, I know it has]. But I think what's kept me from dealing with it is my own stupid pride - I'm independent, strong-willed, logical, and most people perceive me as a "good Christian girl". I don't like people to see me in any state of instability. I've grown up being the strong person for those around me - not because I have to but I guess you could say it's part of my nature. And I'm sure I've fooled lots of people into thinking I have no problems... That my life is the "dream" of one big, fat adventure as I travel through all these foreign countries.

This summer, my mom gave me the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore and I've gotten through a good 3/4 of the way through. She's a pretty blunt writer, which is super up my alley. Besides the above quote, there's one more that really hit home for me:

"Are we honestly going to insist on drawing our security from people - men or women - who are oblivious to the inordinate amount of weight we give their estimation of us?"

As I've mentioned before in this blog, Satan really tries attacking me in my mind. That I'm not good enough. That I'm not doing the responsibilities the Lord has put before me well enough. That I'm not pretty enough. That I'm not cut out for ministry or leadership. That I need to be a certain way that I'll never attain to. That every small failure points to how awful I'm doing.

And honestly, the way that I would feel better about those insecurities is through people's opinions of me and how they treated me. No one, no matter how close they are to me, deserves the punishment of having to hold the weight of my security. I looked to people, wanting them to see how great I was. Wanting them to give me their stamp of approval.

But what about God's approval?

Oh you know, just the Creator of this entire universe that we only can see a tiny speck of. Only the One who loves me unconditionally and without fail. Only the One who has brought me through every single circumstance that has risen in my life, brought me through every season, and been the perfect Encourager through it all. Only the One who sent His glorified, holy Son to become a puny human just so He could suffer the most excruciating long death so I can have a relationship with Him. Only the One who holds my heavenly eternal future. Only the One who has been my perfect Heavenly Father all these years.

"He Who planted the ear, shall He not hear? He Who formed the eye, shall He not see? He Who disciplines and instructs the nations, shall He not punish, He Who teaches man knowledge? The Lord knows the thoughts of man, that they are vain [empty + futile—only a breath]."

|| Psalm 94:9-11, AMP ||

I so wanted that immediate approval and happy-feeling. But ultimately, I'll never get that true feeling when I look to man. People are people - no one is perfect and no one person, no matter how amazing they are, can always be there to uplift you and give you that happy, yet fleeting, feeling. I fall into the trap of thinking I'm incompetent, weak, and inadequate. And the cycle repeats itself over and over again. But NO ONE can bring the contentment, satisfaction, and identity to your life that your Creator can. 

Imagine what our relationships would be like if you could overcome the battle and have God's security in your life. Not just in guy-girl relationships, but in every relationship with the people around us. There is such danger in letting insecurities affect relationships.

The comparison game turns into constant strife as pride takes over, allowing the "It will be better of if I look better than him/her" or "I feel like a failure because I'm not like him/her" thoughts to invade my mind. Then, I fight to compensate for my own insecurities and "inabilities", which only ruins the joy and love that are the important core of a friendship. I end up making the other person either feel like they too must start competing/comparing or they feel completely depressed and like a loser.

Insecurities are contagious.
BUT... security is also contagious.

Scripture constantly tells believers to be encouraging and exhorting one another. The goal in our relationships should be to encourage each other in security, not enable each other's insecurities. 

"When we work from an activated mentality of God-given security, we are fully capable of thinking another woman is beautiful without concluding we are ugly. We can esteem another woman's achievements without feeling like an idiot. We can admire another woman's terrific shape without feeling like a slob. Where on earth did we come up with the idea that we have to subtract value from ourselves in order to give credit to someone else?"

I've been fooled and brainwashed for so long that I had forgotten that truth. That to encourage someone in security (whether you're a man or woman) doesn't have to be stemmed from my own comparison of how I feel about myself. That I don't tell another girl "You're so pretty" because I think you are prettier than I am. And not in the "self-love" way that the world tries pushing on us, but in a way that is rooted in our security in who we are in Christ.

 "Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God."

|| 2 Corinthians 3:5, NKJV ||

The truth of the matter is this:
I am incompetent.
I am weak.
I am inadequate.

I don't deserve an awesome opportunity for leadership here in Malta. I can't be perfect.

But there's an even greater reality in all of this:
Christ is competent.
Christ is stronger than any power.
Christ is more than adequate.
Christ has equipped me and empowered me for this.
Christ is perfect.
Christ is living in me, desiring to work through me.

There's nothing I can do in my own strength. It's all about HIM working. Armed with new security in Christ alone, I can truly be that uplifting person that encourages others to overcome insecurities through the working of the Lord in their life without tearing myself down.

I still haven't fully overcome insecurities in my life. In fact, I still have a long way to go. But I know that the Lord wants to break me of it. It's not an easy journey, but then again, nothing great has come through easy means.

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You."

|| Psalm 139:13-18, NKJV ||